An austerity letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I can't believe it's a whole year since I wrote to you. Doesn't the time fly? Of course, that's not to say that I haven't been thinking of you. You've been very kind to me over the years and I won't forget all those lovely presents you brought me during the Celtic Tiger years. Sure, I know you were the same as ourselves, money no object and all that - when you have it, spend it. I only hope you didn't have to borrow from those awful banks to provide the many toys you brought to millions of boys and girls throughout the world. The first thing I want to tell you is that I have been a good boy over the last 12 months. I fixed things up with the bondholders as best as I could, I cleared off my overdraft with the bank before it was taken over by the State, I cut up the credit card, and I ripped out those marble worktops in the kitchen that we paid a fortune for, sold them off and put in the ones with the melamine laminate on the top. I even 'went electric' and adapted the ould pushbike to save energy. I suppose you were the same as ourselves last year - up to your neck in snow. Wasn't it awful? The only difference between your part of the world - the North Pole - and this part is that we had the grit. Grit used to be the word the Americans used when they referred to the roughage in their breakfast but I can tell you we had it for breakfast, dinner and tea here. And still some people weren't satisfied. They wanted more grit. And the culchies were the worst. They weren't satisfied with the gritting on the main roads, they wanted it on every bog road with a median grass strip in the ars.... er, back end of the country. I was just checking the weather conditions today on the Googley thing and I discovered that you were basking in 17 degrees, while down here, we were after getting the back end of ourselves frozen at five degrees. How did you manage that? In any case, it'll make it easy for you to get that ould sleigh of yours going. I know you have your problems, too. All those demands coming in from the children of Meath and I'm sure you have had your cutbacks. Even a great personage as yourself wouldn't be escaping the swing of the axe. I'm half surprised that someone like you in the public service didn't take the lump sum and the pension and head off to that apartment you bought in Bosnia-Herzegovina, leaving the job to a younger Santa. Talking about cutbacks, how is your community enterprise scheme going? I bet you'll be losing a few of those elves who were giving you a dig-out, sorry a hand, since early November. We're not too happy with it down here either. Cuts, cuts everywhere. Do you remember over the last few years we left out the big slice of Christmas cake and the bottle of Guinness for you? If you don't mind, you'll have to settle for a mince pie and a bottle of 7-Up Free this year. If things improve over the next 12 months, we might manage two mince pies next time. This is the time of year when we are supposed to think of other people and their needs and, if you don't mind, I'm putting in a few requests for friends and acquaintances. I like to be seen as up-to-date with all the new technical stuff and I was going to use Twitter to give you my list but I thought you would prefer an email. There's an attachment to it which shows my Confirmation photograph. Here we go: For Enda Kenny - a sovereign country For Eamonn Gilmore - a few Ryanair gift tokens For Micheál Martin - a party For Gerry Adams - a Gillette For John Gormley (who's he?) - a carrot and a stick For all clergymen - a bit of peace and quiet For President Higgins - a soapbox For Senators - hope For me - a selection box, a Hornby train set (with miniature station master, a whistle and a green flag), Scrabble (so I can learn a few more big words), long trousers, knitted woolly socks, bicycle clips, and a bottle of Brut (the splash-on rather than the drink down stuff). If you can't manage all this, a Lego set will do. Kind regards to yourself and Mrs Claus, Paul PS Whatever you do, don't bring me a construction set like last year. I built a few apartments, a 182-floor office block and a five-star hotel in Leitrim - but they're all stuck in Nama and I can't get them back.