'I explored the romantic side of Ireland and how it was to be on the margins'

A NAVAN-born author says the stigma of being gay in the 1980s and the devastating loss of his mother through suicide inspired him to pen a book about his experiences of growing up in rural Ireland.

Martin Towey from Proudstown has written a collection of short stories which range from fiction to autobiographical pieces which he has put together in a book called ‘Cnuasach, Echoes of an Irish Childhood’.

Although different stories, they all have common themes running through each piece, whether told with humour or pathos, love and loss, acceptance of oneself in the form of sexuality, character flaws and strengths and the beauty and challenge of childhood, especially from an historical Irish perspective.

"I am open about aspects of my life which have shaped me, having a loving and encouraging family who have known the challenge and pain of mental illness and suicide, my own conflict with being gay, feeling it was inherently okay but growing up in 1980s conservative, Catholic Ireland sullied this perception of self," explains Martin.

"I have a dark sense of humour and I think this comes across in the book, well that's the feedback I have been getting. This comes across especially in a couple of stories relating to a five month trip I took in 2019 which involved travelling to Iran and India amongst several other countries."

Martin, now living in Fife in Scotland and working as a neurological physiotherapist, grew up on a farm in Follistown near Kentstown. While on the surface it might seem like a quaint upbringing, rural life also brought challenges.

"I was exploring the romantic side of growing up in Ireland but also how it was to be on the margins and whether that was mental health problems, sexuality, race or whether you were just a little bit different," he said.

Derogatory comments about gay people growing up, further pushed him back into the closet as he explains:

"I probably didn’t come across as gay, I was unfortunate that I was probably able to hide that aspect of myself or at least it wasn’t very obvious to people. When I was young because of my mum’s mental health problems, I was good at walking on egg shells. I was very cautious and vigilant, I knew not to talk about it.

“I remember being 13 or 14 and thinking you know what this is about love, I just knew in my heart of hearts there was nothing wrong with it, what can be wrong with love, it felt very pure to me at the time. I remember adults talking about gay people in a very negative way and that was very hurtful and it was very hard to hear.

"Growing up the stereotypical gay people were the likes of Frankie Howerd and Kenneth Williams, really camp men. I found that quite hard because I wasn’t camp, I couldn’t relate to that and I thought where do I fit in?

"When I went to University in Edinburgh I went to the Gaysoc (a gay society) and they were really over the top and I suppose if I’m honest I had internalised homophobia, I almost recoiled from people who were really over the top."

When the author finally did find the courage to take ownership of who he was, the person whose opinion mattered the most, Martin's mum, Nuala was accepting of the news as he explains:

"My mum was incredibly good, We were always very close and I hated holding this secret back, it had affected our communication for quite a while. I suppose she was thinking what is wrong with Martin. I remember her saying to me, did you get a girl pregnant and I was thinking no, the exact opposite!

"She gave me a big hug and said that’s fine don’t be worrying about it. My dad struggled a lot more with it as did my brother but they are very good now, it just took them a while to come around to it. I think that is more reflective of Irish society or the way it was."

The most life-defining moment for the neurophysio was when his mum took her own life in 2004 aged 61 after a long battle with her mental health.

"She was up and down for years and but felt like she had come through it. She had been hospitalised several times when we were very small for long periods of time but then she seemed to get better but then in the 80s she wasn’t really in hospital anymore.

"She was an incredibly loving person, really very funny and that is something I want to share. You might think people with mental health problems are always in a depressed state but she was the life and soul of the party, she loved life but sadly didn’t love herself enough. It was a big shock to us, you never expect it. That was the biggest life changing experience for me. I’d say I was in mourning for ten years."

It is not Martin's first foray in the publishing world. in 2019 he wrote a book called ‘An Act of Madness’.

"It was about my great grandmother who was committed to an asylum in the west of Ireland when she was 37," he explains. "She had nine children and was pregnant with her 10th child. I managed to get medical notes before GDPR came into play and she had post natal depression but just at its most severe.

"She ended up in 1914 going into an asylum and never came out and she died 25 years later. It goes to that thing of stigma and silence and shame. Thousands and thousands of people were forgotten and hidden away. When I enquired with my family nobody seemed to know anything about her so I wanted to acknowledge this woman’s existence and I suppose looking back on it now I realise what I was trying to do, her story almost channeled my own feelings around my mum’s mental health and the stigma around it