Paul Hopkins: There’s really no need for us to be so rude

Most of us can pay witness to increasing bad behaviour on our roads, with drivers rearguarding you, suddenly over-taking you, beeping loudly because you're in the slow lane and revving loudly and erratically for just no reason other than they feel they can. Just downright rudeness. Sound familiar?

Increasingly, such rudeness is not just confined to our roads and motorists. I saw it while in hospital two years ago. Patients – admittedly, some quite ill – being downright rude to nurses and staff in general. It's a regular occurrence at the supermarket check-out and at the public bar. Pushing and shoving and lack of common courtesy.

Of course, it’s the people-have-lost-their-everloving-minds incidents that make the news, but they are also a reflection of a deeper trend. Judging by reports on Liveline and elsewhere the past week, we appear to have forgotten our niceties, especially with those whose job it is to assist us. Restaurants are reporting ruder clients. Flight attendants, for whom rude clients are no novelty, are reporting mayhem on some flights. (In America, FAA fines for unruly behaviour have already exceeded a

million dollars this year).

One would have thought that, having been prevented from mingling with other humans during the pandemic, people would greet the return of social activity with hugs, revelry and fellowship. But in many ways, say those who study such matters, the psychologists, the long separation has made social interactions "more fraught". The combination of a contagious, life-threatening disease – and let's not forget that many suffered badly, and it hasn’t gone away, you know – and a series of unprecedented, life-altering changes in the rules of human engagement have left people anxious, confused and, especially for those who do not believe the restrictions were necessary, resentful.

I have one acquaintance, just up the road, with whom I would have lunch once or twice a year. When I approached him when the lockdown lifted, he told me he wouldn't be coming out again. I haven't had sight nor sound of him since.

It’s not a coincidence, the psychologists say, that much of the incivility occurs towards people in customer service industries. "People feel almost entitled to be rude to people who are not in a position of power," says Hans Steiner, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University. The power dynamic has been completely upended. And of course, it’s always easier to punch down. "It’s displaced anger," says Steiner. "They’re angry about other things but they take it out in those encounters."

As a society, the pace of change and the speed with which we get information and answers has rapidly increased. We want everything faster: answers, service and our problems to be solved. This ultimately sets up challenging, and sometimes unrealistic, expectations for those who are trying to serve us, whether at the supermarket checkout or 35,000 miles up in the air. Furthermore, the widespread transition to remote work has resulted in reduced face-to-face interaction. And with a decrease in this time spent with our fellow humans, it has likely been more difficult to develop empathy and patience.

Another cause of heightened emotions is the overall challenges people in the world are facing, including polarisation, rightwing protests over asylum seekers, the underlying stress of inflation, supply chain issues – like much-needed medicines – or ongoing economic uncertainty. All of these factors result in an increase in burnout, frustration, and impatience in our interactions with others.

Also, too much screen time may has caused ‘keyboard courage’ to bleed into our day-to-day conversations, leaving us more abrupt and even rude in our communications. People don't look up from their smart-phones anymore to interact with each other. The amount of young people who can converse with you while still scrolling is alarming.

For those flight attendants, nurses in A&E, or cashiers, impatient, rude and abrupt behaviour is not only exhausting but unsustainable for those workers’ emotional health and well-being. My psychologist friend from Magherafelt says employees feel that they are "punching bags for customers’ anxieties and frustrations", which in turn affects employees’ internal self-worth.

Without fear of taking a large slap on the back, I constantly – too much so, my daughter contends – engage with the cashier and sit up front with the taxi driver, asking how they are doing and making that human connection.

Kindness goes a long way and costs nothing.

I think, too, of how I would want to be treated.