Comment: A light of hope following a ‘trail of destruction’

It is next to impossible to understand the suffering and trauma endured by Kathleen Correia through the course of her marriage to 48-year-old Sergio Correia, who was jailed for eight years for the rape and coercive control of his wife.

In her victim impact statement, Kathleen Correia said her ex-husband's actions had caused a "trail of destruction" that caused "so much hurt and devastation".

Sergio Correia with an address in Adara, Co Donegal was found guilty by a jury earlier this year.

The jury heard that Kathleen Correia met her husband in Portugal in 2006. They married in 2012.

After their return from Portugal, the judge said Correia was angered by a deterioration in the family’s finances and living conditions and blamed his wife for this. He was also concealing a drug habit from her. He was moody and irritable the judge said. He regarded sex as a right and if his wife did not meet his demands for daily sex, he said she was not a proper wife and threatened her that she would have to meet his demands if she wanted the marriage to last.

Kathleen waived her right to anonymity, saying people should not be afraid to speak out "if something bad happens behind closed doors."

In her victim impact report read out in court, Kathleen, with immense bravery blew those doors open and shone a light for every person who suffers coercion and abuse at the hands of a 'loved one'

Here is all of what mother-of-three Kathleen said in that statement.

I am writing this victim impact statement because my ex-husband has been convicted of coercive control and rape.

It is with a sense of great sadness and a heavy heart that I am writing this.

What I had hoped and dreamed for my life you ruined, I wanted what anyone wants when they get married. A loving partner to share our lives together. To raise our children and support them at every stage of their life, and enjoy watching them grow.

To work through the ups and downs of family life together. A home that is safe, to support, protect and cherish each other. Instead of that you coerced, controlled, abused and raped me.

You concealed a drug addiction from me for years. When I found out about this, I was willing to support you through your recovery.

During your inpatient treatment programme I addressed your unreasonable sexual demands and gave details of specific incidences that happened.

I asked you to please change and told you how much it was affecting me.

You admitted your behaviour and apologised, but you made no effort to change. You knew the most important thing for me was to keep our family together, but you made this impossible. I tried so hard but I just couldn't live feeling afraid and anxious anymore, knowing what you expected from me and consent meant nothing to you.

Home is supposed to be a safe place, and a husband is supposed to love and protect his wife.

You destroyed our marriage and our family. Your control and demand for sex took over our marriage you insisted no matter how many times I said "No".

You had no regard for my feelings or how your persistent demands and control impacted me. It was as if you believed you were entitled as my husband to sex of any kind anytime you wanted you would say to me, "If I was a proper wife, I’d do what you wanted", and, "If I loved you, I wouldn’t make you beg."

You made me feel obligated. The trail of destruction caused by your actions, the trauma I’ve been left with, so much hurt and devastation.

I tried so many times to talk to you and explain how this was not normal behaviour and how much it was affecting me. I tried to negotiate and compromise with your demands and expectations, but you dismissed my feelings and were not willing to compromise.

You crushed my soul and broke me as a person. I lost my voice. If I didn’t do what you wanted our marriage wouldn’t have lasted and you made that clear.

You said to me "you wouldn’t put up with less than 5 times a week you’d pack your bags", and you’d say to me "you got away last night but you won’t get away tonight", those threats hung over me every day.

The night at the Gibson Hotel when I brought you to a concert for your birthday. You demanded and forced me to have anal sex. I begged and pleaded with you not to do that, but you did it anyway because you expected a birthday treat.

I went to the bathroom afterwards shaking and afraid. I stayed there a long time crying, trying to understand what had just happened and why you did that to me? I said to myself that night, I will never go away for a night with you again, it’s not safe.

What was I going to do? The reality of not feeling safe with my husband was frightening, I was so scared.

Since 2019 my life has been shattered and the direction of my life derailed, not only was I trying to come to terms with what you dig to me and cope with the trauma.

I was parenting our 3 young children alone which is demanding in so many ways.

There was days I felt I wasn’t able to function, but I had no choice I had to get up, put on a brave face and do my best in very difficult circumstances.

The loneliness and isolation was horrendous, the grief and loss of the life I thought I was going to live with my husband and the loss of my own self.

I didn’t know who I was anymore, I was haunted by the abuse and rapes. I was not comfortable in my own body. I wanted to be somebody else, I was trying to gain some control in my life, that had spiralled out of control due to your actions.

Sergio Correia was jailed for eight years for the rape and coercive control of his wife

As a coping mechanism I focused on controlling food and exercising. I ran so much I now have arthritis in my hips.

I thought if I change how I look I won’t have any connection to what happened to me, because my body will look different. It was the only way I could cope at the time.

It distracted me from the painful feelings, I couldn’t reconcile what had happened I was suffering from PTSD. My own physical and mental health was suffering, I knew I couldn’t go on like this, I got counselling for myself.

I remember the first appointment when my counsellor explained to me, that it was an abusive marriage and my husband raped me, it was such a shock to hear him say those words out loud, but it validated the years of turmoil that was going on in my mind.

I have been attending the Rape Crisis Centre for counselling since then. I felt anger towards you for your actions and for destroying my life but I also felt angry at myself for staying in an abusive marriage and not standing up for myself sooner, but I stayed because I always hoped you would change, and I wanted to keep our family together.

Daily life was a struggle I was existing and going through the motions but felt not connected to life and detached from the reality of what had happened.

The anxiety and panic I felt had a profound impact on my ability to do normal everyday things, like go to the shop or being around people, the thought of having to make a conversation and act as if everything was ok.

To have to conceal the truth and repress my emotions was debilitating. I isolated myself and avoided people as much as possible for a long time. I couldn’t sleep at night; it was at night when I got the kids to bed and the house was quiet, the flashbacks and memories came flooding back, I had to move out of our house due to the trauma and memories associated with it. I had to find a new house for me and the kids which took a long time.

The insecurity of not having a home on top of everything else was so difficult. I have been trying to rebuild my life piece by piece ever since. It’s been a constant uphill battle.

It was a very hard decision to go to the Garda DPSU unit and make a statement against my ex-husband.

I was frightened as your behaviour became increasingly aggressive and you continued to treat me in a disrespectful manner. I felt I was left with no choice.

It has been a lengthy process from when I made my statements until the trial and so difficult to have the trial date looming over me all these years, all the while trying to get on with my life and parent alone.

When my family found out about what you did, they were initially in shock and angry, but most of all saddened that I had to live though that.

They have done their best to support and help me over the last few years, but it has been a very difficult reality to be faced with.

Also, your family have been left devastated by your actions. The relationships between them and our children have been broken and strained forever.

Our Children have lost out on the love and connection with their Grandparents, Auntie and Cousin, this is heartbreaking for everyone concerned.

The ripple effects of your actions has caused so much pain and devastation and continues to do so.

It’s like a never-ending earthquake, everything is crumbling around me, I can’t control it, and the aftershocks keep coming.

I have to keep picking up the pieces of my life and the children’s and move forward as best as I can. I didn’t envisage my life this way, I just wanted a loving family unit.

The lead up to the trial was daunting, I had no idea how I was going to get through it. I had to take time off work, I couldn’t concentrate as I was struggling to manage anxiety and having sleep difficulties.

I had to talk to our 2 older children and explain to them about the upcoming trial and what was going on. It was the hardest conversations I have ever had in my life, the sadness on their faces and the tears they cried, I will never forget.

When they asked me why did you do that to me, I didn’t have an answer for them, because it’s an impossible question to answer. It’s incomprehensible.

I comforted them as best I could and reassured them that I was going to be ok.

They were so worried about the trial and the impact that would have on me. I rang them every evening during the trial and reassured them that I was doing ok, to ease their worries.

It was a terrible burden for our children and our eldest son was also trying to complete his exams at that time. They have been so brave and shown so much resilience while trying to come to terms with such a difficult reality.

The impact the trial has had on me is difficult to put into words, the fear and anxiety I felt was overwhelming and it consumed me.

The days giving my evidence I can only describe as agony to have to relive the horrendous details of the rapes and abuse.

It was like it happened all over again, but this time in a courtroom full of strangers. I felt so exposed and humiliated. My dignity and self-worth was left in shreds.

It was so traumatic all the difficult emotions were brought to the surface the pain was unbearable. Daily life was a struggle again and nothing felt normal.

Life was going on around me, but I felt so far removed from it. I couldn’t be around people. I was isolated. The rapes were so vivid in my mind again like they happened a few days ago, I was having panic attacks, I couldn’t sleep, I was an emotional wreck. I was in a state of shock and disbelief.

I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to recover from the trial. Still up to this day I struggle and have very difficult days. I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from the experience.

You haven’t acknowledged any wrong you have done. The worst violation a husband can commit against his wife is to rape, abuse, objectify and degrade her; it’s a breach of trust and respect that has had severe implications and long lasting emotional scars for me.

I have not been able to engage in an intimate relationship and I don’t know if I ever will without feeling afraid, traumatised and fragile.

I have carried so much pain and hold back tears everyday sometimes it’s hard to breath.

I have lived with feelings of shame and guilt that were not mine to carry. It wasn’t my fault. You have now been held accountable for your crimes; you have to live with the consequences of your actions.

I will have to live with what you did for the rest of my life and our children will too. It has forever changed me as a person, however now it’s time for me to discard the heavy cloak I’ve been carrying and try to free myself of the pain, sadness, and fear. To continue my healing journey, with hope to reclaim my life, and to feel happiness and joy again.

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Kathleen's powerful words are difficult to read, less alone fathom, but they will hopefully serve as a beacon of hope for those who find themselves locked into a horrendous situation like the one she escaped. Speak out, confide in a friend, a family member, do not suffer. The only one who should suffer now is Sergio Correia.

The Samaritans - 116 123 / Meath Women's Refuge 1800 46 46 46.