Paul Hopkins: Grow old disgracefully... with some grace please

Here’s something that may surprise you. The average age of people in Ireland now is 39 — and a half. That’s because most are now middle-aged. The bad news is that, according to, yet another, survey, people who are middle-aged — for the purpose of this exercise those aged mid-40s to mid-50s — are at their "most anxious and dissatisfied".

The reason there are more M.Agers is pretty obvious. We are all living longer. The days of our lives being ‘nasty, brutish and short’ — as has been the case for most of human history — are in the past and if you are in your 50s, 60s or older now, like me. and live in the 'civilised' world, well, you’ve never had it so good.

People in their 40s and 50s may mourn their encroaching flab or the passing of childbearing age, but these changes are key to the success of the human species, the eminent zoologist David Bainbridge has said. Far from being over the hill M.Agers are arguably the "pinnacle of evolution" because they are primed to play a vital role in society which could not be filled by younger adults, the Cambridge professor says.

While certain, em, physical attributes such as skin suppleness (moisturise boys, moisturise) and the old eyesight may be dimming (carrots, boys, eat carrots) in the fifth and sixth and seventh decades of life, more important aspects such as brain power remain, apparently, virtually undiminished, dementia not withstanding.

Humans are almost unique among animals in that women lose the ability to have children roughly half way through their lives — no other mammal experiences menopause except, believe it or not, the Killer Whale — with at least two decades of healthy life remaining beyond childbearing age. The reason for this is they need to be around to pick up after their kids who are not fully grown until about 29 and a half!

By remaining faithful, men effectively give up the ability to have children also, says zoologist Bainbridge. Aha, now here lies a bone of contention. We all know some males of a certain age, if not ourselves, who spike their hair, tuck the beer belly into the skinny chinos, buy the Porsche and trade in the wife for a newer and younger model.

But, in fact, such men are actually sending out a different signal altogether. That cringe-worthy ‘dad dancing’ witnessed at wedding receptions every other weekend may be an unconscious way in which ageing males actually repel the attention of young women, leaving the field clear for those at their sexual peak. “The message their dancing sends out is 'stay away, I'm not fertile',” says Dr Peter Lovatt, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire. His research has backed up scientific studies showing a connection between dancing, hormones and sexual selection.

I'm not sure I go along with all this. I never saw my late father in a pair of jeans, ever, but I like my chinos and trainers and dancing as much as the next guy and I’m with Ronnie Wood when it comes to still being turned on by contemporary rock and all that.

That wisdom that comes with advancing years reminds me that when I was 16 thinking my Old Man knew nothing. By the time I was 21 I was amazed how much he had learnt in five years.

With so many of us M.Agers still ‘with it’ when it comes to music and downloading, we have, in fact, robbed the younger generation of a once rebellious piece of culture. When I was a teenager I only ever played the Stones’ Let’s Spend The Night Together when the folks were out of the house. Now, as Mrs Doyle would say, it’s rap this and rap the other, Father …

When I had hit the wrong side of 60 and was wearing torn jeans and a baseball cap back to front, my daughter said: “Dad, don’t be daft. You think you’re cool, a legend, but…" Then I went to one of her parties and, man, did I cringe dance the night away and discussed Elbow, the opening of the local Nando’s, re-runs of SITC (if you don’t know, don’t bother asking) and the merits of social networking.

Some days later the same daughter said to me: “My friends think you are a legend … now the girls in my new job can’t wait to meet you …’’

Neither can, I say, neither can I … Out of earshot. Naturally.